The past The pain
by Rage.edit
Summary: lady heather and grissom at first.maybe there's a reason in grissoms past that he is like he is. GSR in chapter 2
1. Chapter 1

Go on say what you like.

I've been itching to do a grissom and lady heather for a while.

this is weired and the second chapter is very dark and disturbing.

call me what you like?

but please as always review.

there will be smut and there will be GSR in the next chapter

and there will be a next chapter.

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"You can always say stop," whispered Grissom, cupping her head with his paw-like hands.

"So can you," Heather retorted. He tilted his head to one side, then to the other, then he slowly moved his head forward. Locking lips with Lady Heather; it was a kiss, but not a kiss of love. It was just a kiss of relief, a kiss to forget his pains.

He wound his hands in to her hair, while she worked his belt. She forced him through a door that led to her bedroom while she rid him of his jacket, still lip-locked. In haste he rid her of her dress, letting in pool around her feet. Freeing her beauty. He wasted no time lowering his head and securing his mouth around her left nipple. Her head shot back-- in part pleasure--in part pain. When he bit down slightly she spun them round so that his back was facing the bed. She fingered the buttons of his shirt through the holes letting it fall open but not fall off. Grissom skimmed his hands down her body, stopping at her waist, then dipping his neck to taste the skin of her neck.

Whispering against the skin, "Help me forget, please Heather, help me forget."

_She wants the dominant male to choose her so she can stop being dominant._

She straddled him on the bed, running her hands down his chest. His chest was uneven, not smooth as she expected it. There was one rough spot that made him wince every time she ran her fingers over it.

She looked into his eyes and what she saw scared her. His blue eyes were dark, dilated, raw, like there was something missing. Like something was gone. She quickly flicked on the lamp on the bedside table. And went back to his chest. In the dim light she could make out scars.

She gasped, "Gil how did you get these?"

He closed his eyes and whined. "Please Heather please..."

She smoothed her hands over the surface again. "These took skill...who did this?"

He locked eyes with her. "I did." She sat there shocked. "Please Heather please...help me."

Though shocked she continued.

She stripped him down to the skin, took his erection in hand, pumping a few times, then guiding him to her opening. They, moving as one, him rocking against her, rocking her into oblivion. She was there, he was on the edge but was unable to go over, something his past did to him.

"Grissom....you're gonna have to come...I can't hold it...oh god!" She collapsed on his chest and bit down on him drawing blood.

It was enough for him. "OHHH GODDDDD FUCK!!!!" he screamed. It was intense.

They settled down and she rolled from him. She'd seen some stuff in her time, she was a dominatrix, but she never expected Gil was a capable of that. She could read people but not Gil. He was a little harder to crack.

There was an eerie silence in the air and the smell of musk.

"Gil, what about those scars....what about those cuts."

He sighed. "What about them?"

Heather turned to face him. "You said you did them...did you not?"

"Yes I did." He turned to face her.

"Why?"

"I can't tell you."

"Were you in an abusive relationship? Are you in an abusive relationship?"

He let out a chuckle. "If I was I wouldn't be with you. And no I wasn't. I haven't been in a relationship long enough to get to the domestic side."

"Then why?"

"I can't... you'll laugh."

"Gil. I can't possibly laugh.....those cut....fresh ones."

He took a long deep breath and closed his eyes. "Self-harm isn't the same as suicide....Suicide doesn't just take you away, it takes you away from your family. No. Self-harm is a way to make yourself deserve to live....so that you can take care of yourself, dress your wounds......you know how it happened and why it happened...that's why I did it."

She reached for his hand. "How long...Grissom...how long have you harmed for?"

"Since I was fourteen...Since......"

"Since what?"

He gave off a nervous chuckle. "I can't." He went silent.

She had all sorts of reasons racing though her mind.. Was he abused? "Is that why you can't orgasm without some form of pain?"

He nodded. "Yes...I've never been able to orgasm without pain....I have to hurt myself in order to...that's why I don't....that's why I avoid relationships."

She saw the look in his eye and knew what he was thinking. "You're scared of hurting them or getting branded as a freak."

"Yeah.....I have only once been able to orgasm normally."

"Normally?....Who?"

"A girl I met when I was teaching.....she works at the lab......she was the only woman who healed me."

Heather felt tears rising. She wanted to share the pain he was going through.

"Her name's Sara Sidle. I love her I just.... I can't hurt her...she loves me. I'm just scared she'll realize what I am...what I was...I just want to forget her."

"Why forget, when you love her?"

"Because."

* * *

Reveiw please.


	2. Chapter 2

This one comes with a mega warning.

NO KIDS PLEASE!!

and some of you may scream but it's fine I can't hear you.

but please review please

tell me you don't like it.

there will be more.

* * *

Sara had asked him out once, then gave up. He had the operation that saved his hearing so he could keep working.

Then he realized how much he did love her.

"Sad, isn't it, Doc. Guys like us. Two middle aged men who've allowed their work to consume their lives. The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day and realize that for 50 years we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of a sudden, we get a second chance; somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life, with her. But we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it ...."

The realization of what will never be. That's just half the story, but it's how much he wants her. He wanted her so much. But she heard him. That's why she started drinking. She was also trying to bury her past.

He used a razor carving out chunks of flesh. Watching the blood mix with the water of the shower, turning it orange....bawling his eyes out. Daily. Trying to forget.

She used a bottle...drinking huge amounts of Budweiser and when that ran out, she started on Jack and if she had no Jack, vodka....her as well, bawling her eyes out, trying to forget:

the hurt

the pain

the past

and of what will never be.

Then she was pulled over...DUI...almost. He held her hand and kissed her at the door, then stated that she was drunk. He was concerned. She had a death wish, she almost wanted to die, she had for years. It would be better not being, than knowing of what can never be.

Nobody was concerned for him, for he told nobody.

Sara blew up at Catherine, then Ecklie. She was suspended; Ecklie wanted her fired. Grissom went to talk....but this was the motion of events that set two souls to collide.

"An explanation?"

"...when my mother...killed my father...I found out that it wasn't."

They shed tears together.

"You know, I tried suicide at home weeks before my father was killed....I couldn't do it," she stated He cried more.

"Were you abused, Sara?....Did he ever force himself on you..." he whispered. He couldn't say the word.

The room went deathly silent.

"Yes," Sara whispered, "he raped me...that's why she stabbed him."

"Oh, god, Sara....why didn't you just tell me. Why, Sara?" She didn't answer him.

"Grissom...has anything happened to you? Is there a reason why you won't be with me?..That night in San Francisco...there were scars." That was a little random but it had a meaning.

"Yes," he whispered to her.

"Tell me." She grabbed his hand like it grabbed hers before.

He cleared his throat. He was about to tell someone a secret he'd been keeping since he was 14 years old, the reason he's like he is.

"I just want you to know I've never told anyone this...this must not leave this room."

"Okay, Gil."

"I'd been to the library. I was heading home....it was 6 o'clock...I had little money....my books weren't worth much....I was wearing my school clothes, those too, not much, the only thing of value I would have had was my grandfather's watch....he gave it to me for my 13th birthday....a car pulled up. I can't remember the make. The guy in it told me to get in the car, I told him no, his buddy next to him made me get in by flashing his piece...so I complied...they drove me to a alleyway, told me to get out....I wish I had run....the taller one with the gun pushed me against the wall and put the gun to my head. Told me not to move....the other one got behind me."

Grissom took a deep breath.

"He...I could feel his erection against my thigh. 'You're a pretty boy....I'm going to make you come so hard..' He whispered into my ear...I felt his heavy breath on my neck...he was smelling me...he smelled of cheap booze and stale smoke..he glided his grimy grubby hands over my body and placed them on my crotch. He slid down my zipper and touched me." Sara gasped. She felt tears rush to her eyes.

"I wanted them to shoot me. I just wanted to die then....he loosened my belt and pushed down my jeans, my shorts...the cold air....hitting me. I knew what he was going to do next....I heard the jingling of a belt...then I felt a really sharp pain....tears soaked my face....then I felt him moving." She gripped his hand. Grissom choked up.

"I could never underdstand why...Why me?....and the most frustrating part is...for some sick reason I...I...It got me off...I..er..it's sick, it's wrong....I could never believe that something like that could get me off."

She asked gently, "What happened next? What did you do?"

"They got back into the car. Left me a mess....I've never told anyone before....I ran home. I ran home as fast as I could."

Sara had tears in her eyes. She just wanted to hug his pain away. She recognized the pain behind his eyes. The same pain as hers.

"Come here, Gil." She extended her arms and he moved.

They embraced each other, tears staining shirts. His body shook as he sobbed, finally telling someone. Finally.

That's when they kissed. The kiss wasn't like the others. This was one of love, healing, and this time he didn't stop her. The kiss got deeper and deeper, then they pulled back for air. Just the start of another chapter.

They started seeing each other more often, before work, after work, she'd come over to his place, he'd go over to hers.

He stopped harming himself for a while and she stopped drinking.

Then Adam Trent threatened to take Sara's life while he watched. She got out but she wasn't fine.

"It smelled the same. It looked the same. It smelled like lies."

After the mother confessed, she stopped by Grissom's office as she usually did. Just lingering at the doorway.

"Hey," she whispered softly.

He looked up from the book he was reading. "Hey," he whispered back. "You okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine, I just wondered if you were heading home yet?"

"No, I don't think I can sleep yet." He put the book on the table and swiveled his chair back.

"Okay...I was just gonna head home." She turned away to head out.

"Sara!" he shouted, and she turned back around.

"Yeah?"

"How about we get a DVD and some junk food and a six pack. How's that sound?"

She got the beer and food. He got the DVD.

"Have you seen A Bug's Life?"

"Trust you to get that DVD."

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CLIFF HANGER!!!!


End file.
